Mom Camp

Phhhew!ย It’s been a long while since I’ve written a new post and that’s because I’ve been working day and night, night and day trying to ensure my kid has the very, very best summer of fun. Like ever. Most of you know this is very, very exhausting, very, very unrewarding work. Sometimes – in my case this is rare – you totally hit the mark and your kid actually has a blast and thinks you’re cool. Woowoo! Other times you just flat-out totally bomb, (see last year’s attempt at zoo-camp). Nothing to do but chalk those times up as lessons learned and move on. Anyway, enough about my all consuming, greatly undervalued job. The real news is that MOM CAMP IS HERE! Mom Camp was born out of sheer desperation. Literally stopped me cold mid-rant one day while driving my own happy camper home from a long day of fun and extravagance.

MOM CAMP

Register NOW! Mom Camp kicks off on Aug 19th and runs straight the hell on through till Labor Day. Buckle up, kiddies.

Rules of Mom Camp:

1) Moms only (sorry, Dads, we think you’re fab, but this camp’s only for the mamas!).

2) Absolutely, positively NO kid campers. All children found on camp grounds will be put to work.

3) No cell phones, smart phones, tablets, laptops, iPads, iPods, etc. Our Mom Tech Team will collect these items upon your arrival and remove them of all smudgy kid fingerprints, horrible games that send push notifications to “Come play with me!” and playlists compiled by persons under the age of 20. We assure you that anything your kid, boss or husband needs to communicate with you through these devices, they’ll figure out. Eventually.

4) Must be primary caregiver to at least one human. If you provide 50% or more of the parenting in your household, this camp is for you! Definition of primary caregiver: individual does have at least one child and does not have any nannies, housekeepers, laundresses, personal chefs, chauffeurs, or magical spouses/partners who voluntarily do more than 50% of the work to keep said child/children alive and a welcome acceptable member of society.

5) Judgy, cliquey moms with perfect children not permitted. Period. Oh, there’s a camp for you, but this ain’t it. Icky, judgy, perfect moms attempting to disguise themselves as ordinary, flawed mothers with perfectly imperfect children will be made to walk the plank. Arr.

Itinerary:

Whenever-the-hell-you-want a.m.:

Wake-up time! This will immediately be followed by breakfast in bed served by super-attractive, charming male swimwear models. Menu consist of anything your heart desires, including foods normally found on breakfast, lunch, dinner, cocktail and dessert menus. Calorie and nutritional info not (ever) available.

10a.m.:

Morning yoga. Cutesy outfits utterly inappropriate. Focus of morning yoga session is YOU. Relaxation is our ultimate goal. If this means you spend two hours in corpse pose, then so be it. Namaste mama-ste.

11a.m.:

Shower hour. Showering is optional at Mom Camp but guards are on call to stand outside your door anytime you might need to shower or use the bathroom. Your own personal guard will ensure that no one tries to talk to you or invade your space during this sacred time. All bathrooms fully stocked with clean, pretty smelling soaps, lotions and potions that will make you look and feel young, rested and relaxed.

12p.m.:

Massage extravaganza. First of multiple massages per day. Focus again: YOU. and RELAXATION.

12:30p.m.:

Lunch time! Unlike your usual establishments which require you to eat the remaining crust from someone else’s pb&j or last night’s dinner served cold from your desk, this establishment serves made-to-order, deliciously fresh, gourmet food. On your own plate with real utensils, seated at a real table where no one is whining and asking if they can please just have Cheetos for lunch instead. Cocktails are encouraged.

1:30p.m.:

Pool party! Bask in the sun or take a dip in the pool! You will not be expected to slather any squirming, complaining persons from head to toe with sunscreen and bug spray. In fact, pool staff will be on hand to apply sunblock to YOU! They’ll also fetch you a book or trashy magazine, yummy cocktail from the poolside bar, refreshing summer snacks or anything else you desire. Sit back, close your eyes and relax – we promise no one will yell for you to watch them do a cannonball.

3:30p.m.:

Massage extravaganza Take 2. No need to get up from your lounge chair. Massage therapists will magically appear poolside.

5:30p.m.:

Pre-dinner spa hour. Always wanted to try a seaweed wrap? Haven’t had a facial since your twenties? Desperate to get rid of those weird lines and wrinkles that used to only show up when you yelled at your kids, but now seem to have become permanent fixtures? We got you covered.

6:00p.m.:

It’s back to your room to explore your own personalized wardrobe. We’ve taken care of everything! Just choose what you want from a gigantic closet full of clothes that are clean, free of holes or ripped hems, and flattering and comfortable. Prepare to feel pretty again!

6:30p.m.:

Dinner. Again gourmet and served up fancy. Plus, you’ll get to chat with grown-ups who are fun and interesting! And wait until you get a load of the dessert menu!

8:30p.m.:

Beach bonfire! Girl talk will continue down on the beach where there are cozy lounge chairs, a roaring bonfire and live music playing just a few yards away. Request your favorite cocktail from the bartender and your favorite song from the band! Don’t be afraid to get up and show off your moves!

Whenever-the-hell-you-want p.m.:

Bedtime. Remember, tomorrow will be a repeat of today! You’ve got no one to wake up early for, and no one to stay up late for! Hit the sack whenever you want. Turn down service of your luxurious bedding is a given. Our aromatherapists will also mist your room with a blend of oils chosen specifically for you.

We hope that you will enjoy Mom Camp and come back year after year! See you there!

Disclaimer: Mom campers often feel very disoriented upon returning home. The shock can sometimes be quite severe. We encourage campers to have someone on hand to act as a buffer between themselves and reality for a full week after departure.

Mom camp