Call to the universe
This post is a short update on some of the stuff that’s been keeping me from writing much over the last several weeks. It’s also a call to the universe to please help me get it all figured out. If you’re the universe or anyone else reading this, thank you for humoring me.
1) A month ago I had Mason tested for the gene that I wrote about in this post. I am expecting his results literally any day and I’m praying harder than I have ever prayed for anything that he will please, please, please, please not have this gene. If you have room in your prayers for him I would be so, so grateful. The anticipation is grueling.
2) A month ago I got a call from Mason’s father letting me know he would be coming from VA to NY for a job interview. In our town. On my boyfriend’s birthday. A couple weeks later he called again to tell me he got the job and would be moving. To our town. On my birthday. I never, ever wanted to have this blog become an outlet for my venting or complaining or something somehow negative. And certainly not ever something my son could look at years from now and feel any sort of confusion or heartbreak over as a result of my words. But this news has been absolutely, positively HARD for me to manage. I have been an insecure, fearful, anxious, defensive, emotional, angry mess and have just in the last week started to settle down and return to “normal.” I have so many fears swirling around my head and just want everything to be good and positive and ok for Mason. I have had so much anger come up in the last few weeks it’s honestly been a bit scary and surprising. I feel like logic and reason don’t even come close to countering my reactions and feelings. I have taken steps forward and I feel confident that a) I can do this and b) I can ensure that this will be a positive thing and not something that causes confusion or fear or insecurity for Mason. But it is still very hard and very scary. If you have experience with this sort of thing, and advice to give on how to stay strong and not emotional, pm me. I’ll take all the help I can get!
3) Two weeks ago I scheduled my surgery. This is good news. Doctors are pleased with all of my millions of test results and everyone, including me, sees this as a good thing. A proactive measure. I’m excited to have it behind me. It’s only a teeny tiny bit scary. Just news.
4) Tonight, other stuff happened – other, other, other stuff – that I feel like I can just not possibly forms words about, but that has me sending a call out to the universe asking for help. I’m trying hard not to get all woe-is-me and ask when the hell I might get a break. I know my life is good. Amazing actually. And I know that so many people have it so much worse and deserve so much more attention than I do right now. I am just searching for strength and faith. I know that I have it, buried in here somewhere. And I know I’ll get through all this. Tonight I am just plain tired. And just plain sad. And just plain going to let it be ok to not hurry up and pick myself up and make things all better. Tomorrow I will be strong and the next day I’ll be stronger and faith (not to mention my incredible family & friends) will get me through.
In the meantime I hope you all know how thankful I am to have you reading and how even more thankful I am for your own words and stories. I hope that you are each feeling strong and ready to take on all of the opportunities the universe sends our way.